It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
