the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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