the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize