Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
