When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
