Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize