You really coming over, don't trick.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
