she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize