So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
