My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
