its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
