I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
