Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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