Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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