Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
