i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
