In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
