You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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