Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
