I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We have started to decorate penises.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
