wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
