I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
