i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
