youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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