i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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