I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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