um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
