my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
this hospital has no fireball
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
