My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
