I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
