I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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