Please, let me fuck your mom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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