i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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