I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
