names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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