so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
