Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
