If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
