i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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