I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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