my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
