FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You need a sexual gate keeper
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
