I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
