Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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