yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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