Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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