Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize