A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
