i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
