Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
