i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All the doctor said was why
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
