Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
