everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
