If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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