I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
