she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
