Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
