The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
